journal

Depression is real, but so is God

So I woke up this morning down and out and at my worst. I was just so depressed and I didn’t know what to do. I tried so hard to keep from crying and breaking down and I was trying to think of other things besides negative thoughts. So I decided to take a shower, thinking it would make me feel better. It didn’t. In fact, it made matters worse and I decided to let it all out and I cried like a baby. I cried so hard I didn’t breathe or say anything for at least 45 seconds. Yea, it was that serious. I don’t even know what came over me but I knew I had to let it all out before I really did something crazy. I cried and I prayed to God. I asked, no I begged him to show me the way, to help me figure out my purpose in life. I just felt like such a failure and it seemed like things were not going to get any better. I never thought I would feel this way about life and actually wanting to end it.

After praying and crying hysterically for about 5 minutes, I tried to pull myself together and finally got out the shower. I checked my phone and saw that I had received message from my sister on Facebook that was very motivating and made me smile and feel a little better. I finished getting ready and then I received a call from a really good friend of mine who simply just called because they missed me and wanted to hear my voice . Mind you, no one knew how I was feeling or what I was going through so for my sister to message me and my friend to call me out the blue to tell me that, made my day and I didn’t feel so down anymore. I realized I actually had something to live for. I thought about my mom and my family and how this selfish decision would change everything. It was in that moment that I realized my life mattered.

I truly believe in God and I know he heard me and sent his Angels to brighten my day and comfort me during this time. I prayed some more and thanked God for strength and guidance. I won’t allow myself lose sight of my purpose or forget his grace and mercy and I know he will always see me through.

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