Wow. Where do I begin? It seems like it was just yesterday when I started my blog and posted one of my firsts blog posts, Chapter 24. Even though I haven’t been consistent with posting as much as I should and like to be, I’m still proud of myself for taking the first step in creating my blog. I think its kind of impossible to reach a goal without action, right? Yeah, you’re going to need discipline, along with consistency, in order to reach any goal you may set for yourself. One of the reasons I created my blog was to share my life with the world and to also help those who are having a hard time dealing with depression, anxiety, and discipline and any other challenges life may throw your way. Though I’m still learning myself, we can take this journey together and one day at a time.
First I want to say that I am blessed to see another year. So much is going on in the world and sometimes we forget how blessed we really are and tend to take life for granted. I am truly grateful to still be amongst the living, sitting here pouring my heart out to strangers, and to be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂 Sometimes we forget to take a minute and stop and smell the roses and actually enjoy life. Well, that’s one thing I plan to do differently and live every moment to the fullest. I feel as though I’ve found myself again and this reunion is personal and much needed. Over the past year, I have dealt with depression and anxiety and though I hate to admit it, they almost won. It was so hard for me to deal with something I knew nothing about, especially when you’re not expecting it and it just pops up and slaps you in the face. But come to find out, that’s just how life is. We will always get hit unexpectedly with whatever life throws our way, its just up to us to stay ready and be prepared to handle any obstacle we may face.
I haven’t been 24 a full year but I feel as though I’ve learned more about life in the past 7 months than I have my entire life. Dealing with depression, realized I have anxiety, low self esteem here and there, and feeling like a failure. This journey hasn’t been all bad, some good has come along and also taught me how to remain calm in certain situations, thinking before I speak, and stay focused and work towards my goals, just to name a few.
I never thought I would experience depression. I’ve always been a happy go lucky person with a bubbly personality that everyone instantly fell in love with. I was always smiling, laughing, making jokes, always wanted to be around people. Growing up, I was surrounded by love so that’s all I knew and that’s all I ever wanted to give to others. Not sure exactly when I realized I was depressed but I knew something was wrong because my mood changed, I wasn’t so happy anymore, didn’t want to be around people, didn’t even want to go to work. I would call in sometimes simply because I didn’t want to be bothered. I started noticing that I wasn’t smiling as much, didn’t want to get out of bed, stopped eating and taking care of my body, just really didn’t care about anything anymore, including my appearance(which is not like me at all). I finally hit an all time low and I talk about depression and how I dealt with it here, feel free to check it out.
Of course you’re not going to experience depression without anxiety . The two together are evil and will ruin you if you let them. I literally made myself sick and allowed anxiety to take over my life. Sitting up worried about things that I had no control over and it was very unhealthy. My alarm goes off at 5 every morning and if I go to bed at 9 or 10 anxiety wakes me up at 2 and I’m up for the day. I can never go back to sleep no matter how hard I try because I’m too busy worrying about the past and what I could’ve done differently. But I am learning from my mistakes and learning to move on because the past has already happened, this is the present and I should be focused on the future.
Dealing with these two has been tough and has revealed to me my strengths and weaknesses. I know how much I can handle and if something is out of my control I just let go and let God. I’m still fighting this battle and I definitely still have room to grow, improve, elevate and evolve. Chapter 24 is the beginning of my story and I cant wait to share it with the world.
So I woke up this morning down and out and at my worst. I was just so depressed and I didn’t know what to do. I tried so hard to keep from crying and breaking down and I was trying to think of other things besides negative thoughts. So I decided to take a shower, thinking it would make me feel better. It didn’t. In fact, it made matters worse and I decided to let it all out and I cried like a baby. I cried so hard I didn’t breathe or say anything for at least 45 seconds. Yea, it was that serious. I don’t even know what came over me but I knew I had to let it all out before I really did something crazy. I cried and I prayed to God. I asked, no I begged him to show me the way, to help me figure out my purpose in life. I just felt like such a failure and it seemed like things were not going to get any better. I never thought I would feel this way about life and actually wanting to end it.
After praying and crying hysterically for about 5 minutes, I tried to pull myself together and finally got out the shower. I checked my phone and saw that I had received message from my sister on Facebook that was very motivating and made me smile and feel a little better. I finished getting ready and then I received a call from a really good friend of mine who simply just called because they missed me and wanted to hear my voice . Mind you, no one knew how I was feeling or what I was going through so for my sister to message me and my friend to call me out the blue to tell me that, made my day and I didn’t feel so down anymore. I realized I actually had something to live for. I thought about my mom and my family and how this selfish decision would change everything. It was in that moment that I realized my life mattered.
I truly believe in God and I know he heard me and sent his Angels to brighten my day and comfort me during this time. I prayed some more and thanked God for strength and guidance. I won’t allow myself lose sight of my purpose or forget his grace and mercy and I know he will always see me through.